-Corona Virus toilet paper hording aka The Shit has hit the fan, has send the market into a whirlwind
-Consumers are buying up every last roll-even the cheap-ass rough stuff that feels like sand paper
-Some doctors fear that Shit-for-Brains symptoms are rampant, and are a direct result of the exposure to the irrational fear of the communist virus COVID-19. Doctors advise social distancing of people who watch CNN, MSMBC, and CBS news broadcasts
-Trump signs executive order forcing triple overtime at tissue plants to catch up with demand
“The toilet tissue futures market seems to be sky high, there appears to be no ceiling, funny thing is, that just a week agom it was in the toilet” one floor trader said in exasperation. Floor action on the NYTE (New York Tissue Exchange) was crazed and out of control, traders seemingly fighting each other “Buy 2 millions shares” and another screaming “Buy 4 million shares.”
One pound tissue future rose to $100 a mega roll, in one day, after President Trump’s stinky speech advising everyone to ‘conserve toilet tissue, or else we’ll have to import the really rough stuff from China, that stuff is really bad, it’ll give you a rash” he further added “only yesterday I signed an executive order, hereby ordering all of our tissue factories to work overtime, to produce the nice soft tissue.”
But here in the real world, the pain is real. Corona Virus has seemingly affected the entire population, giving everyone shit-for-brains, thus the mad rush to horde toilet paper. Doctors around the nation are confirming this dreadful reality. Sadly there is no prognosis, but moving out of New York, Oregon, Washington and California seems to help, they added.
WalledMart spokesman Gene Wilder said “while our shelves currently are empty, we are striving hard to ensure they’ll be a couple of rolls their by morning for our getto customers to fight over, we always look forward to those bouts.” But customers were seen setting up tents in the parking lot to ensure they’ll be the first ones to enter the store at 6am and make a Logan’s run to the ‘Corona Shit for Brains Tissue and Paper towel isle.
THE BANANA NEWS STAFF