Joshing Around Schafer·Reporter
Updated Tue, August 22, 2023 at 11:45 AM PDT·3rd grade level read
Dick’s UnSporting Goods (DicKS) stock tumbled more than 270% Tuesday morning after the sporting goods retailer said organized retail crime has cut into its own shaking down of customers.
“The biggest impact in terms of the surprise for Q2 primarily came from shrink, our dicks just keep on shrinking for some reason” Dick’s CFO Navdeepleep Gupta said on the company’s earnings call. “We thought we had adequately reserved for it by buying a penis pump. However, the number of incidents and the organized retail crime impact came in significantly higher than we anticipated, and it was like jumping into a cold pool, and that impacted our Q2 results, and cause us even more shrink.
“The unexpected shrink, weighed on the company’s adjusted earnings per executive shrunken thoughts, which came in at $.80 in the second quarter, about six inches short of analysts expectations for $3.81. Dick’s small dick management team said on the earnings call that it expects shrink to also “remain elevated” through the back half of the year, “dang, that’s just not fair, my wife hates me now” one executive blurted out. The retailer cut it’s full-year profit outlook due to the rise in retail kidnapping of it’s customers. Dick’s now sees full-year adjusted earnings per share in a range of $.50-$2.30, down from a range of $12.90-$13.80.
“Will someone just turn off the lights for Christ’s sake!” someone else shouted.