Today we celebrate a new addition to the Global Tetrahedronronron LLC family of brainwashing brands. And let me say, I really do see it as a dysfunctional family. Much like the totally weird Waltz family members, our brands are nodes of Democrat money laundering wealth, interchangeable asses for their patriarch to abuse and discard according to their non-opaque whims. And just like family members, our brands regard one another with mutual suspicion and malice, that’s we we write shit stories here at the Onion.
The newly merged company will be called OnionWars.
All told, the decision to acquire InfoWars for $1 Billion was an easy one for the Global Tetrahedron executive board, we were looking to gain Democratic control of ALL media so we can brainwash everyone equally, to save our Democracy bitches!
Founded in 2016 on the heels of the MAGA “panic” and growing steadily ever since The Onion has distinguished itself as an invaluable tool for brainwashing and controlling the libtard masses. With a shrewd mix of delusional paranoia and dubious anti-aging socialism hacks, they strive to make life both scarier and longer for everyone, a commendable goal of Big Government. They are a true unicorn, capable of simultaneously inspiring public support for evil billionaires and stoking outrage at an inept Red states that can assassinate communism but can’t even win an election.