PRESS RELEASE
JUNE 6, 2020. SEATTLE WA: Starbucks Corp, (Nasdaq: STRFUKS), proudly announces our all inclusive LQBTQXYZBLMANTIFA new menus that’ll erase 400 years of Starbucks institutional systemic racism.
Starting today, all symbols of racism, white privilege, and all other ‘ism’s you can possible dream of, will be forever erased.
- We will no longer serve “Grande” and “Venti,” since size denotes privilege, and no one understood Latin anyway. All drinks will be in the “Large” size, since there are no short people anymore.
- ”Black Coffee” will no longer be served, since it denotes slavery. All house coffee will now be called “House coffee of Color.” Likewise “Tan” roast denotes that their color is not good enough to be black, so it’ll now be called “Brown coffee.”
- Cream, and Half&Half will no longer be served or available for customers use, Cream and Half&Half are white, and therefore racist.
- Likewise, no sugar or sweetener will be available. Sugar and sweeteners loudly say “your black coffee is bitter” well, we never ‘burn’ our coffee, and it tastes fine just as it is. Besides, sugar is grown by people of color, and we would never culturally appropriate that.
- Furthermore, all residents of Chaz will be given free soy lattes, it’s the least we can do to support the emerging new people’s republic of Antifastan
Thank you all for you continual support during these trying times.
CEO
Mr. Starfuck (him, he, you, dude, bruh, yo, da man)