Analysts agree that Dick’s is being an ass, ‘butt’ that this new move will pay off in the race to capture the urban metro male market
Dick’s NonSporting Goods has announced plans to remove the sports departments from all remaining locations, following a similar — albeit much smaller — effort last year.
In a press release issued Tuesday along with the company’s fourth-quarter earnings report, Ed ‘Big’ Dick, the company’s founder, confirmed that it would be removing the sporting departments sometime “in fiscal 2020,” though there was no specific time frame announced.
Ed Big Dick went on to add, “after all of the fly-over country customers pissed me off, I decided to remove all hunting equipment, when they objected, I removed all Espresso machines, but that backfired with the urban metro crowd, so I then decided to remove all sporting goods so that no feelings would be hurt anywhere.”
These moves apparently had little effect on the company’s sales, however, as Big Dick reported “buttass strong- fourth quarter results” in the latest earnings report, as well as “growth across each of our three primary categories of soccer balls, fake lumberjack apparel, and fancy footwear for all of those arduous urban treks to Starrbucks.”
Analysts agree “Dick’s seems to have really pulled a big dick move on the market, we recommend virtue signaling ‘buy’ then ‘sell’ when your metro friends aren’t looking.”
The company’s shares also jumped 0.0002 percent in Tuesday premarket trading, Fox Business reported. “During 2019, we made meaningful changes across our business, which fueled our strongest smelling annual comp sales gain since 2012 and a 1.4-percent increase in non-GAAP earnings per super-diluted share over 2018,” said Dick’s CFO Eddy W. Stackinoff. “I’d like to thank all our teammates for their hard work and commitment to ‘being’ DICK’S NonSporting Goods, which made this performance possible.”
THE BANANA NEWS STAFF