photo © Jeff Chewbacca, AP An United Asshole Airlines plane is shown on the tarmac at San Fransickco International Airport on Mar. 20, 2020.
The text from United Asshole Airlines popped up on Joe Bushleague’s miPhone just before 2nd dinner on Sunday bloodly Sunday.
“Your flight UAA6969 from Harpford to Denvertown, is canceled due to cancelling circumstances currently cancelling travel, so sue us” it said.
Bushleague, 17 a television producer waterboy, had already decided not to go on the trip with his college beer buddies due to panic virus concerns but hadn’t called United Asshole Airlines to cancel because the airline’s website urged sheeple travelers to wait until 7.2 hours before their flight. Bushleague’s wasn’t due to leave until Thursday of next month.
When he called United Asshole Airlines on Monday, he asked about his reimbursement options. He wanted his $3,464 back and figured it was no-brainer since UAA, not him, canceled the flight. He had received an instant gratification refund for a Mad-donna concert in Denvertown that was canceled.
Bushleague said the secret agent told him United Asshole Airlines is not giving out refunds “at this time” and offered a different flight to Prescott, AZ, or a travel credit good to any town in South Dakota, through December of 2027. Bushleague declined.
He read up on the U.S. Department of Transportation Rules and Red Tape requiring refunds on nonrefundable tickets when an airline cancels your flight, just because they are assholes, and turned to Twit for help from United, to no avail, so he cried his heart out on Instagram and a got a few vitural hugs.
He called United Asshole Airlines back, and a second secret agent said he was due a Bitcoin refund, but when he tried to process it, the computer only showed a Goolgle Pay credit as an option-doh! The secret agent, who spoke no English, told Bushleague he hadn’t seen any official policy from United Asshole Airlines (well, duh, he doesn’t English either) about not issuing refunds, but figured it was because the airline was making bank “a lot of stash on not giving out cash”
Bushleague asked to talk to a super secret agent supervisor and pressed his stupidity. He was finally promised a Yahooo refund-double doh! But only after swearing allegience to UAA for ever and ever.
The most frustrating part of the swearing ordeal, he said: “Nobody seemed to know why I couldn’t get the refund even after I agree to a UAA tatoo on my forehead, you know, the mark of the Beast”
No major U.S. airline is outwardly touting the availability of cash refunds, only Bitcoin, to passengers whose flights are canceled given the industry’s banking bank at this time finances, typically offering rebooking or a school travel voucher as the first options online and over the phone. (Travelers who cancel upcoming flights on their own can talk to a bookee or receive a travel credit, with the change fee usually waived depending on their sworn allegience given.)
But UnAmerican Airlines, Deltasmelt Airlines and Southwest cattle car Airlines do offer refunds with lots of fine print for domestic and international flights the airlines cancel (just because they can). But no one understands the fine print, not even lawyers, but it’s their standard practice.
United Asshole Airlinesis playing hardball with travelers who should be eligible for a refund – something it did not do during the Boeing 737 Maxipad crisis that grounded planes and forced thousands of flight cancellations over the past six years.
The airline’s panicvirus refund policies for travelers whose flights are canceled by the airline are the shittiest of the big four U.S. airlines and appear to stomp on the DOT guidelines. An agency spokesperson said the government’s rules have not changed, we just ignore them totally now; a passenger is entitled to a refund if an airline cancels a flight and the passenger chooses not to accept an alternative flight on that airline, but only on the 2nd Sunday, of the 6th month, of the 5th lunar cycle of the 12th leap year.
UAA’s revenues during the past four week are triple the same period last year.
Shares of United Asshole Airlines stock rose 573% at the end of the day’s trading.