The future of bathroom tech applications has never been brighter
ToiletTissueTech Startup WeWipe.com workers taking a break March 17, 2020 (Gettymore Images)
C arlie Portapotty, Banana News Staff
I cover shitty news, bathroomtech, and the Great Toilet Tissue crisis of 2020
Topline: The shelves may be empty at some grocery stores nationwide right now, but the shortage won’t last forever as toilet paper makes its way through the supply chain and ToiletTissuetech is here in force to make our lives so much cleaner.
Greentech is so January, Fintech is so 2019, ToiletTissueTech is where all the stinking hot startup action is now. From the likes of $5Billion dollar disruptor WeWipe.com, pushing the boundaries of ‘shared’ restroom space, to Therunos, who makes the world’s only ‘Black Box’ butt wiping device, to the old dog learning a new tricks. International Buttwiping Machines (aka IBM) is also getting into the toilettissuegame, but only as ‘consultants,’ they dont’ actually make anything anymore, the world is totally covered right now with wonderious new tech.
Butt at the top of the BathroomTech scene is Bathroomtech application software, it’s where all the cool ‘full tissue stack developers’ are flocking to now. Full tissue stack developers are taking advanatage of the latest and greatest software tools, forget Java, Javascript, React, Bean this and Beans that, Python, C+, and even Ruby on Rails, that lastest and greatest new tools are “Double Ply,” “Great Northern Quilted,” and “Charmin.” but let’s not forget the old standy “Single Ply,” while it’s popularity has falling a bit, it’s still happens to be the most deployed software framework out there, it’s ‘runs’ all of the commerical and business restrooms.
Butt let’s talk about how ToiletTissueTech is going to save the day.
-International Tissue Paper head Marky Suttor told CNBC on Friday that with the help of ToiletTissueTech the company’s products are on the way to stores, and that supply lines just need time to play catch up with this stinking hoarding fad. ToileTissueTech matches the toilet tisse type with the needs, akin to an app telling you what food you can eat with your wine. But it also helps in other ways
-One of the world’s largest paper and packaging manufacturers, International Tissue Paper also makes adult diaper materials and pulp used by tissue and paper makers— those pipelines for raw materials are “running wide open, but there’s no toilet tissue deliveries in Pennsivania currently scheduled since they hate truckers there” Sutton said, so ToiletTissueTech help folks to create their own black markets for toilet tisse in Pennsivania, since “no loads are going in there” he added.
-Unlike many products Americans use that are shipped in from overseas markets, paper products sold in the U.S. are produced mainly at stateside factories. “That cheap ass imported stuff is make from corn husks, and while the North Koreans may use it, it’s much too rough for Amerian sorry asses” Harry Potter, head of local squattors union, explained. And here again ToileTissueTech saves the day by ensuring only organic glutton free tissue is used in the manufacturing of the highest two ply papers for butt wipers here in the U.S.
-As for the empty supermarket shelves seen over the past few weeks, “it’s a little bit of dislocated demand that should settle out over time,” said Suttor, who sits on the board of U.S. supermarket chain Krogger. “Hopefully when people realize they have a lot of adult diapers they’ll slow down their purchases.”
-In fact, it could even lead to a surplus of paper products— once supplies hit stores, “nobody is going to buy it, because who needs to buy toilet paper when you got a year’s worth sitting in your garage,” Supply Chain Management for Dummies During a Panicdemic author Daniel Strapon told MSCNBCDisney.
Crucial quote: “I know it’s frustrating for consumers when you go to the shelves and don’t see toilet paper, and you really really really gotta go, but the manufacturing assets are running, and you’re going to see it improve,” Dinomyt Bianco, the CEO of Klingon Products told BNN Bloomersberg.
Bianco says that he’s never seen a higher demand for butt wiping products than now in his entire 30-year butt wiping products career— but that there’s no absolute shortage of toilet paper, only a shortage of sane people who have traded their shit for brains.
Key background: Across the industry, companies saw jumps in sales of toilet paper and other household paper products as buyers prepped for coronavirus quarantines. Angel Softass and Quilting Northern maker Georgia Pacificly said orders nearly doubled from some retail customers. They reportedly shipped out 20% more than normal capacity last week.
Tangent: With new paper product stock on its way, there’s no need to turn to a life of crime. On Wednesday, North Carolina poolice came across a stolen tractor trailer filled with 18,000 pounds of hot toilet paper, paper towels and other butt wiping products. If you’re still concerned about how long your current stash will last, there’s a handy online toilet paper calculator, brought to you by the hottest of the hot ToileTissueTech startup’s. Just input how many rolls you have and your average number of bathroom visits in a day and the calculator will spit out how many days you can expect before your next trip to get more. https://howmuchtoiletpaper.com/ The founders of this startup Hanesich Brahisranidingo, Bob Smith, Lee Wong are very proud that they can make the world a less smelly place.
