Ripped from headlines around the world, bringing you the truth behind the fake headlines.
At the top of the news, Senator Rand Man Paul contracts coronavirus just to spite his peers. “You see, this bill is nothing but a heap of wastefull spending, I’m purposely went down to Florida to hang with the spring breakers to catch a virus or two or three, luckily I got the right one, haha. But I’ll show you all how silly this whole thing is, you see I got the virus, but I can still be a pain in your collective asses” he said on the Senate floor early Sunday morning.
In sports. Tom Brady’s recently inked a $50 million dollar two year contract. Now he is the 42nd most highly paid quarterback in the NFL. But on top of all of that goodness, he finally get his own embroidered hat, something he’d been begging New England for, but Belichik would have none of it “we’re a TEAM Tom, a team!
Markets reacted strongly to AOC’s push for ToiletTissueforAll Plan, otherwise offically known as “Government wipes our butt economic stinkyass stimulus plan for a greater people’s republic of America.” The price of one of tissue rose 678% to $573 a pound on futures trading on the New Yoork Tissue Exchange.
Butt not to be outdown by the ‘them gang-sisters’ Trump announced, a “Let’s bring it home” plan where U.S. tissue industries will be given tax breaks for bringing toilet tissue production back home, especially after China stopped all shipments of toilet paper, leading us directly to the current crisis, to the U.S., after Trump called them out for virus spreading “We don’t want your stinking virus spreading bat wing toilet tissue anymore” he Twited last week. Trump later treated, “It’s not my fault that there’s no longer any Quilted Northern on the shelves, that nasty NAFTA that Obama pushed, sent all of our production oversees.” Adding “I will bring all tissue production back, and we will start using real trees again, not corn husks.” “Make Toilet Tissue Great Again!” MTGA!
Jeff Bozos’ Amazoom was quick to respond by offering up “Free roll of Toilet Tissue with every order of $500 or more” special. The Internet just broke. Bozos is now richer than the Pope.
In business news. BathroomTech is leading the way to a cleaner future, Bloomserburg.com announces. Apparently, BathroomTech and especially ToileTissueTech startups are pooping up everywhere. Investors are literally climbing over each other to toss their money down the high tech toilet startup scene. Perhaps no where else is this new startup ecosystem showing who’s boss but with the startup www.WeWipe.com, a spin-off of WeWork.com. This new startup is breaking ground in the share bathroom economy, and it’s most recent $64 Trillion dollar valuation only proves that ‘We’ can make shit happen in this economy in spite of Trump’s Twits and firings.
ToiletTissueTech Startup WeWipe.com working class wipers taking a beer break March 17, 2020 (Gettymore Images)
In other news. Out in California, Supreme Chairman Gabbing Newsomes ‘stay at home’ edict is being forcibly enforced. Several kids in San Jose where rounded up by the Newsome Brown Shirts People’s Army when they were ‘informed’ that they were playing outside in their backyard. This unmaned informant will receive the state’s highest honor the “Hero of the People’s Socialist Republic of California” by Newsome were told, for saving the planet.
In other other news. An Alabama Man celebrates beating the coronavirus by drinking a Corona, but he then quickly died when he choked on the melting paper straw.
and I’m really really not a man. Good night you Russian losers, see ya next weekend