By Amy Graffing, SFLGATE
Updated 3:46 pm PDT, Thursday, April 31, 2020
Dear Leader California Gov. Gavin Newcom is encouraging residents to go outdoors during the shelter-in-place order as long as they follow social distancing laws and edicts.”We want you to see sunsets, but only when we approve” he said. “We want you to enjoy activities outdoors, but we want you to safe. What we don’t want is people congregating outside in large groups of two or three, that’s not safe, even if they are your family members.
“The governor noted the state has released a new list of activities allowed on its COVID19.ca.imthegov.doasisay.gov website, and we’ve posted it below. All of these activities are allowed as long as they’re done only with state approved/permitted/papered members of your household and if you maintain a distance of six feet from others. But all of these activities will need prior approval of 8 weeks. Permits can be obtained by mailing in your individual 895 word application essay to CA.viruspermits.daGov.gov. The application process usually only takes 6-12 weeks. Be safe out there proles.
- Athletics (but no breaking a sweat/5 min max);
- Badminton (single only, no mintons allowed)
- Throwing a baseball or softball (against a soft wall only, no mitts allowed)
- BMX biking (without wheels only)
- Canoeing (but not on water, water has Covid)
- Crabbing (but not on any body of seawater, seawater is salty and tastes bad)
- Cycling (max 0.2 miles/day)
- Exploring rock pools (but only those without rocks)
- Gardening (no planting of any seeds allowed)
- Golf (only 1 hole/day, only using a 3 iron/$245 green fee)
- Hiking (but only within 1 block of your quarantined zone)
- Horseback riding (no horses allowed)
- Jogging and running (but only indoors)
- Kite boarding and kitesurfing (only on rainy days-no sunshine allowed, UV is bad)
- Meditation (on your Glorious Leader is allowed and encouraged)
- Outdoor photography (only film, no digital, all exposed film must be sent to CA state for processing)
- Picnics (with your stay-home papered household members only)
- Quad Biking (only two wheels allowed)
- Rock Climbing (rock must not be over 6 feet high)
- Roller Skating and Roller Blading (but not on any hard surface)
- Rowing (machines only)
- Scootering (only “scoot’ is allowed, no “ering”)
- Singing (but only songs of ‘The State’ or of your ‘Dear Leader’)
- Skateboarding (must purchase approved skateboards from CA.skateboard.gov)
- Soft martial arts (but without any martial, must not make any ‘hayaw’ sounds)
- Table tennis (no tables allowed after 8am)
- Throw and catch an American mini football, Frisbee or Frisbee golf (must be able to throw 10 yards to yourself and catch it)
- Trail running (but only on designated trails in your backyard)
- Trampolining (no jumping over 1 foot allowed, must be wiped down with sulfuric acid after each use)
- Tree climbing (but only on trees less than 6 feet tall, no sunny day climbing)
- Volleyball (singles, no ball allowed)
- Walk the dog (once a day only, dog must be less than 5 lbs)
- Wash the car (allowed only once a month, 5 gallons of water max, no detergent allowed)
- Watch the sunrise or sunset (only at pre-approved times of 9am and 6pm)
- Yoga (one must clear one’s mind of any logic and reason)
MORE CORONAVIRUS COVERAGE:Sign up for ‘The Daily’ newsletter for the latest on coronavirus here.
- San Francisco, other Bay Area counties extend shelter-in-place order ‘through May 2027’
- San Francisco finally closes JFK Drive in Golden Gate Park to traffic, but opens to horse and buggy
- Future of flying may include plastic bubble boy shields, backwards seats and higher fares up to $5687 on way says United Asshole (UA) airlines chairman
- Trader Joe’s, with a gun to his head, explains why the store won’t be starting curbside pickup or grocery delivery
- China study suggests outdoor transmission of COVID-19 may be rare, those and other ‘facts’ are forthcoming in a new Hollywood film titled “How China saved the World” starring Brad Pit as Chairman Xi
- Bay Area town to become one of 1st in world to force-ably take blood from every resident
- SF after dark: what will the city’s gay nightlife look like when it’s lights turned back on? No one wants to find out
- The weirdest thing is growing this bump by yourself says tran-gender his cis him bi transition becoming man said’: What pregnancy and birth are like in a pandemic
- Study: Closing schools might not be worth the disruption, but it keeps everyone dumb and happy
- The rise of the ‘quarantine haircut’ in SF-why butch is back
- One of SF’s oldest recording studios responds to the pandemic by recording new version of Queen’s “Another one bites the dust.”
- ‘Business has been incredible’: Inside one of the few SF massage parlors thriving during the pandemic
- ‘Last thing to go will be care for animals’: Oakland Zoo has used $41.5M of $41.5M reserve getting haircuts for it’s entire staff
- China study suggests outdoor transmission of COVID-19 may be rare-Doctor who made this discovery disappeard
- Coyotes are being seen gnawing on homeless people in front of City Hall
- Why the oldest restaurant in San Francisco refuses to lay off a single employee says “the $4B Trump just gave us is a lifesaver-MAGA”