HEADLINE NEWS
The Weekend Update with Racheal Manndow
Ripped from headlines around the world, bringing you the truth behind the fake headlines.
Good evening. First up, I want to thank Evan Baxler filling in me while I had the Covid, and no, it’s not true I had hoof-and-mouth disease, that’s a vicious lie. Hoof-and-mouthcovid-19 is very very different from hoof-and-mouth disease, at least that’s what my doctors told me to say.
Now on to the news
Day 74 of the Toilet Tissue Crisis and we’re finally started to see some toilet paper in the stores, but it’s not the good Quilted Northern stuff, it’s the cheap stuff made from recycled plastics. But it’s still day 74 people, and Orange Man is still Bad and Brett Fave is still orange too, so he’s Badder, and Trump is Bad and…
At the top of the news, the Gov of Idaho has re-opened the state after it was found that like only 2 people got sick, and one of them felt better after taking a few licks of the Sister’s ‘recipe.’
Dr. Fauci quickly got on the podium to calm down a run-away media firestorm that was repeating “Trump says Sister’s recipe should be shot up your anus to cure virus” about 24,000 times a day, and said “do not inject the Sister’s recipe into you anus, it should only be done orally, during a Tender or Grinder date”
Like where is Idaho anyway? Potatoes? Isn’t that where potatoes come from, well I like French Fries, so I guess we’ll keep those deplorables around ok.
But NY Gov Cuumo was pissed, he said “it’s too soon, we’ve got to increase the social distancing in Idaho to 8 miles first.” Rumor has it that he was going to declare war on Idaho for not following ‘his’ directive, but he realized his troops would have to travel through about twelve flyover states to get their first, so he shelved the idea for now. But he decided to take it out on Duh’ Blassio’s NYC again, by expending the ‘stay-at-hone’ edict until July 2027.
But let’s get something straight right now, Gov Cuuomo is still really really really not running for President, but you can now donate to his not not-running campaign at; www.CuumoIsNotRunningForPresidentOrSomethingOrRather20202.org
In international news, China and Australia are in a bit of a war of words. Australia’s Prime Minister, Mr. Dundee said “hey mate, wanna come on down and throw some shrimp on the barbie and talk about the corona virus, then we can down a few Victorias, what do you say?”
China’s Xi, put on his angry face and was quick to respond “you no claim Victoria, we beat you bad, ok, our nine dash line better than your’s ok, virus not our fault, your fault, you kill the chicken to frighten the monkey, you have five eyes.”
Prime Minister Dundee was confused, but he tried to cool down the war of words “well then, I’ll be seeing ya, godday.”
Unfortunately, the US has been dragged into the middle of this dispute, having to play umpire between his Bestie Xi “a good man” and Prime Minister Dundee “a great chap.” It was reported that she is considering a MAGA rally in Thailand to bring the two sides together, “it’s going to be big, really big, MAGA!.”
In sports, the Gronk is back. After taking a year off to ensure he wasn’t traded to those loser in Detroit, the Lioncats, or cats, or Lions or something he is again going to become Tom Brady’s favorite target once again. Gronkowski he needs to run over more little defensive backs and spike more footballs again, “the WWE was just getting too easy, and I was really missing dancing with the DB’s” he was reported to have said.
Tom Brady was so happy that he bought Gronk a whole pallet full of TB12 food, to which Gronk replied “ah, thanks Tom.” It was reported that when Brady left, Gronk tossed the whole thing in the garbage.
“Damn simple deplorables. That’s it for now.
Oh one last thing, here’s a shout out to Jennifer Rubin Sandwich, you’re doing great work, but you need to lay off that Russian dressing ok, you Russian troll?
and I’m really really not a man. Good night you Russian commies, see ya next weekend”