HEADLINE NEWS
hosted tonight by Evan Baxler
Ripped from headlines around the world, bringing you the truth behind the fake headlines.
Good evening. I’m Evan Baxler filling in for Racheal no she’s really not a man Manndow, tonight. I’m glad to be able to serve Newspeak tonight with you faithfull viewers.
First of all, I’m sad to report that Racheal was recently diagnosed with a bad case of hoof-and-mouth covid-19. After her amazing coverage of the US Navy Hospital ship that never showed up in NYC, she strangly fell ill. We wish her a speedy recovery.
Now on to the news
Day 68 of the Toilet Tissue Crisis and now Brett Favre has orange hair- Orange Favre Bad! Orange man’s bads.
At the top of the news, President Trump announced that he’s going to re-open several states via a phased-in approach. Phase 1 entails hold MAGA rallies in the capitol of select states that Trump won in 2016. Once these mega MAGA rallies are successfully held, he’ll then swarm the states with Federal officials and carpet baggers, and help it achieve a successful full restart of their economies.
Trump said a recent rally in Idaho (“way to go Idaho”) yesterday, “those loser Blue states are on their own, if they want to stay locked up in their ‘safe places’ drinking instant coffee for the next 6 months, so be it, I won’t be getting any new votes out of those hell holes anyway.
”In other news. Gov Cuomo is still not running for President, thank you very much, even though he has declared War on the US on two different ocassion in the last month, and lost both times.
But the NYC Socialists People’s Army Navy Airforce People’s Army 69 th Battalion faired poorly in combat against the US Marine Corp, running back to their safe places in tears, once they saw the Devil Dogs coming, but they had a ‘good time’ with the Air Force, it was said, receiving citations for bravely getting dressed. They didn’t quite dress a gayly as the Air Force does, but was close.
Cuomo again asked for zillions of ventilors from Trump, this time 40,000,000. He said “we’ll need those when it peaks and millions are dying everyday-it’s going to be something we tell our grandkids.” When asked about his secret stash of 4,000 he replied “I’m not running for President, thank you verymuch, next question., would you like to buy a T-shirt? How about you, T-shirt? Xtra xtra small, hmmm, let me see if I have CNN sizes”
In international news, Supreme Chairman Xi’s drive to re-brand China manufacturing is going well. Xi is now claming Vietnam as a province of China, importing goods there, rebranding them as made in Vietnam, and then exporting them to suckers all around the world. From our affiliate USSA today:
WASHINGTON – Vietnamese officials say China is intentionally mislabeling its crappy products as “Quality made right in Vietnam, by good communists, not bad ones in China” to avoid American tariffs, and have ordered offices to more aggressively examine products’ certificates of origin.
Chinese firms first export products to Vietnam, then change the labeling on packages in massive 5,000 worker-class worker factories, before exporting the goods to the United States, Japan or Europe, they said. How China gets away with this is unknown, one local leader said “we no speak no Chinese” and just walked away appearing to count his huge roll of greenbacks.
Diane Feinstein was reported to be ‘pleased at the expansion of US Sino relations.” But of course, her Chinese driver, Yi, the twin brother of Chairman Xi, who’s also a spy, had nothing to say as usual, he just smiled.
In sports, the NBA announced that they will be moving all of the NBA teams to China. NBA commissioner, Adam twenty pieces of Silver said, “China has done a much better job erradicating the US Army sourced corona virus, I feel confident going forward that our players will be much safter there than in the U.S.”
In fact we’ve already started the process of re-naming some of the teams
LA Lakers will be the Whakers
GS Warriors will be the Stir Fry Warriors
Houston Rockets will be Rocket Boys
and
New York Knicks will be the New American Dicks
When asked about the language barriers, he said, “no worries, half of our players are already fluent in Chinese, and they simply love Xi, he such a great guy.” Lasty, a reporter asked “what about the huge fan base in the U.S., don’t you own your very existance to them?” “Fans, ha, are you kidding, there are like 12 billion people in China, and our fan base there has no limits, the NBA is bigger than the US now,
in fact we are more popular than Jesus.”
Ok, last bit of news, my teleprompter tells me to say
“Damn simple deplorables. That’s it for now and I’m really really not a man. Good night you Russian trolls, see ya next weekend”
ahhh, that wasn’t meant to me, that was meant for Racheal, er ahh, I mean, it was supposed to be her words, right, oh just fuck it…..
