HEADLINE NEWS
Ripped from headlines around the world, bringing you the truth behind the fake headlines.
Day 61 of the Toilet Tissue Crisis and Trump still has orange hair- Russian Treason!
At the top of the news, it was revealed today, via a top secret memo, delivered to us from Congressman shifty Shift, that Trump knew about the virus way back in 2016, and he did nothing but play golf everyday! Now he’s trying to be a big drug pusher and cure everyone-we can’t have that.
In other news. COVID-19 is being relabeled as the little virus that ‘can.’ The WHO, after seeing virus case numbers drop dramatically, went into full crisis mode “we got to get the numbers back up, or else the sheeple will wake up,” chairman Tedros Adhanom GhebXiyesman was heard saying. WHO’s marketing department sprang into action, creating a cute child’s toy “The Little Engine named Covid, that could” and encouraged all children to play with the virus and share it with their friends. So far, this new marketing approach is working well in New York City, where people are into their toys, dildos, wipes, and chains, the infection rate is way up. Gov Cuomo, who is not running for President, was reported to have been “pleased.”
Supreme Chairman Xi’s drive to re-brand China manufacturing is going well. The COVID economic stimulus package contained $450 Billion for US companies to relocate their manufacturing out of China to a more friendly country. The country of New Xiland has already been granted most favorable nation trade status and Apple Computer proudly announced that they’ll be ‘re-starting’ iiPhone production this week. Senator Diane Feinstein will be on hand to help cut to re-opening ribbon.
Cuomo’s plan to secretly contaminate the hospital ship Mercy has worked out well. He as able to sneak 20 COVID patients onboard, in the middle of the night, with fake diagnosis of ‘sprained ankles.’ The Navy corpsmen and doctors easily fell of the trick, since they are so eager to please, and they had nothing else to do. Now the entire ship is infected and out of action.
Navy Criminal Investigative Service (NCIS New York) sent agents to investigate why security was so lax on the Navy Hospital Ship, they quickly found their man. and charged him with 20 counts of aiding and abetting the enemy, Chef Special Warfare Operator (Navy Seal) Eddie Gallagher. NCIS New York awarded all 45 special agents with Silver Stars for their gallantry and bravery in the face of extreme danger. Lt. Dan got a Medal of Honor, because he shreds the bass guitar so well.
Cuomo then proudly announced on his twice daily 8 hour long monologue, “you see, I was right, that Hospital ship was a bad idea, and no I don’t want to run for President, thanks for asking, Trump is
Orange, and I’m right about everything, and no I’m not running for President, thanks for asking, don’t take drugs kids, especially if you have the Covid, no I’m not running for President, thanks for asking.”
In sports, the NBA announced that they’re considering virtual reality games, where players from both teams would log-on remotely and play each other. Las Vegas bookie’s were pleased with the news, saying “Now it’ll be easily than ever to ‘fix’ the games.”
In other news, you heard about those 40 spring breakers who all got the COVID, well it turns out they all got the ‘Clap.’ The COVID diagnosis was just a cover just to make them ‘feel bad.’ “Thank God,” one worried Mom was reported to have said, “I’m looking forward to some mutant grandchildren now.”
Well, I don’t understand it, they’re all lesbian, so how did they get the Clap?
In other other news. Farmers are complaining about new social distancing rules. The Gov of deplorable Idaho laid down the law when he said, “now I realize that your nearest neighbor is 5 miles away, but now, in order to be safe, you must maintain a minimum 6 mile distance.” One farmer, spit out his chew and said “my nearest neighbor is some hippy from California, growing weed in his back yard, so I guess I’ve got no problem with that-it’s a free fucking country after all”
Damn simple deplorables.
That’s it for now and I’m really really not a man.
Good night you Russian trolls, see ya next weekend