HEADLINE NEWS
Ripped from headlines around the world, bringing you the truth behind the fake headlines.
Day 54 of the Toilet Tissue Crisis and Trump still has orange hair- Russian Treason!
At the top of the news, Trump said at his most recent press conference yesterday, “everything will be ok, all the Dow Jones Industrial Social Media Average indicators are going up now, ‘Likes,’ ‘Mention’s and ‘Retweets’ are all up, I guess we’ll be able to lift the stay-at-home order real soon. So hang in there people, we’ll see a new boom real soon.
”Supreme Chairman Xi’s drive to re-brand China manufacturing has hit a speed bump. Prime Minister Morey of New Zealand has written Xi a ‘strong worded letter’ saying China territorial expansion has not reached New Zealand yet, so we would appreciate if you cut back on using the manufacturing tag “Made in New Xiland” a bit more, it’s confusing some folks, ok, we’d appreciate that.” But Xi responded by sending his People’s Army Navy Coast Guard Fishing Boat Army Navy to block-aid New Zealand and lay claim to it, per their newly expanded 9-Dash dildo line kid’s drawing. Prime Minister Morey quickly raised the white flag saying, “we were wrong about New Zealand, after all of these years, if we only had a copy of that 4,000 year old parchment paper showing the 9-Dash dildo line, we’d truly appreciate how big ‘it’ really is, we now understand that unification with the Motherland is in our best interests, after all, we don’t want to just ‘take it’ like the Philippines did, all Hail Xi and his 9-er.”
Now for that big white ship story, everyone was complaining about my whining and bitching that the ship will never get there, well it still isn’t there yet-it’s still isn’t progressive. Congressman Shifty is forming an inquiry as to why the ship is painted white, and so racist. More on this story on my special report on Monday late late late night “Why the Navy Hospital Ship was born a racist, and can’t help itself.”
Lastly, AOC is calling for the Navy to paint the ship all black, Mike Jaggar approves.
In sports, some things happened and some people did some things, and they bounced the ball around or something, and that Tom Guy, what’s his name?
In other news, NYC continues to be a hot spot of “Yo, I’m social distancing here” fever virus. Apparently, when ‘everyone’ is saying “Yo” no one is saying “Yo” so everyone is ignoring the “Yo’s” and that’s pissing everyone off, causing the dreaded CoYoVid-19 fever. Apparently there is no cure, the only hope is an injection of the ‘West Coast Bro vaccine,’ funded by the Bill and Melinda Grates World Domination Foundation. But some Doctors fear the level of trace “Bro-ness” in the vaccine, fearing it might permanelty damanage the “Yo” chromosomes in New Yorkers.
In other other news. In fly over country, doctors are mystified as to why there aren’t any virus cases in Wyoming. Wyoming? Where is that exactly? I thought that was a part of Canada or something.
Damn deplorables.
That’s it for now
and I’m really really not a man. Good night you Russian losers, see ya next weekend