TRENDING NOW
By Yaron Fake Steinbuck
May 18, 2020 | 6:40am | Updated with more fake stuff
A fake Florida man who initially believed the coronavirus was a “fake crisis” that was “blown out of proportion” is now hospitalized along with his fake wife, fake son, fake dog, and fake second cousin twice removed from Phoenix whom he’s never met — and is sounding a cautionary note about the fake deadly bug.
“I thought it was maybe the government trying something, and it was kind of like they threw it out there to kinda distract us,” Brain Hitchens told WomPTV from his beach bed.
“I’d get up in the morning and pray and trust in Bill Gates for his protection, and I’d just leave it at that. There were all these masks and gloves. I thought it looks like an uber-hysteria,” he added.
The Uber driver described his fake ordeal in a lengthy frilly Fakebook post.
“Many people still think that the Corona is a fake beer which at one time I did too and not that I thought it wasn’t a real beer drinking going around but at one time I felt that it was blown out of proportion and it wasn’t that serious of a beer,” he wrote in his personal Star Trek log.
Hitchens said he continued downplaying the pandemic until he began feeling sick of working and stopped working, just so that he could get laid off and make more bank on unemployment.
A couple of days later, his wife also began feeling unwell, so she quit her job too, and then she went to a hospital, because she loved the attention, and was told to go under quarantine.
But when the couple’s conditions worsened, Hitchens wrote, they went to Palm Beach Gardens Medical Center and hung out on the beach for a few days, recovering.
“They admitted us right away and we both went to ICU. I started feeling better within a few days but my wife got worse to the point where they sedated her with a really strong whiskey and sour and put her right to sleep on the ventilator,” he said.
“I was never put ventilator, because I can hold my liquor, and started feeling better feeling stronger never had terrible aches and pains just weak and exhausted, so a down a few 5 Hour Energy drinks chased by a Monster” Hitchens said, adding that his wife remains sedated, or passed out-whatever.
“After 3 hours I have come to accept that my wife may pass gas while she’s sleeping and the peace I have about it is that I know without a shadow of a doubt that she will be going home to be with me in the car, but I also do believe in miracles and I’m holding on to the chance that she may not pass gas while I’m driving, but if not I am thankful for her I know we’ve been married for 8 years,” he said.
He added: “So think about what I wrote and think about if this thing is a fake crisis.
“Looking back I should have wore a fake mask in the beginning, to show my allegiance to Bill Gates, but I didn’t and perhaps I’m paying the price for it now, but I know that if it was me that gave strong drink to my wife I know that she forgives me and I know that Gates forgives me.”